Lasting Relationships
The obstacles to a lasting marriage are equally as complicated as what attracts couples to each other in the early days. The multiple levels of our personalities allow numerous opportunities to irritate each other. Our temperament types, generational traits, emotional scars, and birth order all play a part in how we interact with each other. We have often heard the expression, “opposites attract,” but it is also true that opposites attack when the honeymoon is over. All these characteristics and more are why co
uples argue so much.
Disappointment in Expectations
Each partner enters marriage with a list of dreams and expectations. The fairytale of “happy ever after” sets the couple up for frustration. Her vision of marriage may be what she expects he will do to make her happy. His concept of marriage may revolve around what will make him successful. He may have the idea that she will put her life and career on hold, while he pursues his dreams of advancement.
Many men tend to marry hoping his wife will never change. But people naturally change as they grow and mature. Women often marry thinking they can modify their husband’s behavior into what they want them to be. But it is not our responsibility to tweak our partner. It is only ours to improve ourselves. Both are expecting more than their significant other can deliver. Disappointments are one of the 7 reasons why couples argue so much.
Obstacles of Predisposition
Couples bring into their marriage the nature of interaction they witness in their parents’ relationships. He brings examples from his father’s leadership. She brings attitudes from her mother’s responses. If the preceding generation fought their battles through anger, controlling, possessiveness, jealousy, manipulation, or emotional distancing, their offspring will most likely carry them on. The newlyweds think this is what a normal marriage looks like. Dysfunctional predispositions and attitudes toward “how to get your own way”, are toxins to the marriage relationship.
Agitation in Brokenness
We tend to marry individuals who are equally as healed or wounded as we are. Unhealthy individuals tend to be hypersensitive and are easily offended. If there has been a history of emotional or mental wounding, the couple will overreact to situations which parallel or remind them of childhood trauma.
If she says something that touches on how his mother nagged him, he will likely respond in anger. If he disappoints her like her father did, she will react with resentment. Triggers or flashbacks to previous emotional pain will dominate the present relationship. The two scared souls will activate hurtful memories, resulting in lashing-out with excessive emotion. Both will feel threatened, causing them to fight against each other’s brokenness. Eventually, without getting help their marriage
will most likely fail.
Frustration in Different Preferences
Every temperament type has both strengths and weaknesses. In attraction of opposite temperament types there is always a downside. Her strengths will be his weaknesses and His strengths will be her weaknesses. Both partners may not understand why the other doesn’t do things the way they do.
While opposite strengths attract, it is the opposite weaknesses that attack, or cause friction within the marriage. She walks into the house and hangs up her coat and takes off her shoes. He walks across the area rug with his shoes on and then takes his coat off and throws it over a chair. He then turns the TV on for background noise. She shakes her head and wonders why he can’t just enjoy the quietness.
If she is a talkative social butterfly and he is a quiet introvert, their opposite natures may see each other as excessive. She criticizes that he is no fun. He complains she talks too much. She’s messy, while he likes everything in its place. She wants to go to a party. He wants to stay home and watch the game.
You’ve heard the expression, “familiarity breeds contempt”. The more time the couple spend together, the more they are irritated by each other’s weaknesses. This is where maturity needs to step up to the plate and give each other space and acknowledge each other’s needs. It’s okay to disagree. Differences in character and preference should be respected. Both should be willing to compromise. Focus on the strengths rather than the weaknesses. Learn to celebrate your differences, where one is gifted, the other may struggle. Such situations allow opportunities to support and help each other.
Tensions in Birth Order
Concerning birth order, marriages that are destined for conflict are those consisting of two first-born partners, or two only-child partners. First-borns and only children are natural perfectionists, and fault finders. Each one thinks they know best and want their own way. As a result, they argue and buttheads over everything. Add to this situation their opposite temperaments and you have disaster. Both individuals want perfection in the other partner’s weaknesses. This is another reason why couples fight so much.
First-borns want to be the boss, or leader, so a first-born wife and a last-born husband can also be a difficult relationship. The wife may find it difficult to step back and let her husband lead his family. It is God’s plan for the husband to lead his wife. Note, I didn’t say, “boss” his wife. There’s a big difference. Leading suggests or gives opinions, it does not give orders.
A marriage of two youngest children can also be problematic as both may expect the other to look after them or take responsibility for leadership in making decisions. Marriages of two middle-born children have other hurdles to clear. Both may feel insignificant and look to the other to boost their self-esteem. Both may be manipulators or antagonists.
Distress in Misunderstandings
Another situation that causes conflict in marriage is when one or both individuals do not feel loved. That’s not to say they are not loved, but that they do not feel loved. If they did not feel loved as a child, they may have difficulty feeling loved by their marriage partner. Such individuals need a lot of stroking and affirmation.
A man’s greatest need is for respect and significance. A wise wife will show respect even if she feels he doesn’t deserve it. Consulting him in making decisions and thanking him for his advice will help him to feel that he is important to her.
Women most desire love and security. A strong husband will affirm his love daily and assure that her needs will always be met. She may feel most loved when he spends quality time with her or surprises her with little gifts, flowers, or chocolates as expressions of love. He may develop stronger qualities through frequent words of affirmation and encouragement. Acts of service in assisting with a project may be what he needs to push through a difficult situation. And don’t forget cuddle time, daily physical affection is the sunshine of the relationship. Gathering all these expressions of love and wrapping them with a hug can do much to keep the fire burning.
Take time to talk about what makes each of you feel loved and respected. You might ask, “What would make you feel most loved and appreciated?” Knowing your partner’s love language and putting it into practice can do much to strengthen your marriage relationship.
Consequences of Unforgiveness
Nothing is more harmful to a marriage than holding grudges. Constantly reminding each other of failures or using old hurts as arsenal, tears away at the fabric of the relationship. It further destroys the foundation of trust, acceptance, and value with each assault. Don’t let days go by while you refuse to speak to each other, talk about disappointments as soon as you are both calmed down. Forgive quickly and resist the temptation to bring it up again.
Marriage is a journey where two individuals walk together in love and respect of each other’s differences and preferences. There will be hills as well as valleys. There will be sunshine and rain. There will be joys and sorrows. Each experience is to be celebrated or shared together. Understanding why couples fight so much can help to bring about improved communication and make your marriage a top priority.
My Books
Check out my books. We offer both paperback and Kindle versions.
How Should a Husband Love His Wife
My Books Why God Made Eve from Adam’s Side Picture with me for a moment how this scene unfolds. Adam is lying on the ground
7 Reasons Why Couples Argue So Much
My Books Lasting Relationships The obstacles to a lasting marriage are equally as complicated as what attracts couples to each other in the early days.
How to Live in a Broken World
My Books How to live in a broken world You can’t live in a broken world without eventually being marred by brokenness on a personal