The Cost of Perfectionism
It makes you tired.
For a perfectionist, accomplishment is always one step away. You find that when you reach your goal, you redefine it. You say, “I really needed to go farther than this.” You redefine your goal and keep on working. Or, if you reach it, you do not stop to think about how great your accomplishment is. You quickly replace your goal with another one and begin the frenzied quest once more.
Relationships with other people more difficult.
Perfectionism not only makes perfectionists tired, but it also drains the people around them. Perfectionists may belittle the efforts of others. They may be as demanding on other people as they are on themselves. Perfectionists can deal out major doses of pain with a supercritical attitude. They are not adept at affirming. They are adept at correcting the mistakes other people make.
It may isolate themselves from others.
They may decide that other people are totally unable to understand the way things must be done. 
Other people just get in the way. Perfectionists have trouble working as team members. They would rather work alone.
Perfectionists may neglect important relationships.
Perfectionism damages relationships rather than building them. Perfectionists’ standards take lots of time to achieve. Friends and family may be neglected.[i] Consequently, perfectionism contributes to the loneliness of both the compulsive person and those closest to him or her.
[i] Sledge, Tim. Making Peace with Your Past. LifeWay Press.
The Develotment of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is mainly a result of damaged emotions during childhood. A parent, teacher, or a significant adult, who demands more than the child is able to produce, may contribute to it. Such people in authority think that nagging, shaming, criticizing or withholding praise will encourage children to work harder and behave better. These children do try harder, but soon learn that they cannot be good enough to satisfy the people whom they love the most. Children being naturally self-centered, begin to think that something is wrong with them that prevents their being accepted. This belief causes these children to set unrealistic goals for themselves. Some people continually strive for the praise of their parents long after they have reached adulthood, while others become defeated quitters who never quite succeed at anything.
First-born children tend to suffer most from perfectionism because insecure parents try to raise their children to be perfect, yet tend to be more lenient with successive children when they find that it takes too much energy to produce a perfect child. Perfectionism also has its roots in sibling rivalry where the stronger temperament continually puts down or belittles the weaker one.
“How To Win Over Depression”, written by Tim LaHaye, includes a section on “temperament types and depression”, of which perfectionism is a contributor. Some temperaments, namely melancholy, are more susceptible to perfectionism because they are more sensitive to the comments of parents, peers, and superiors. Also, perfectionism is one of their natural weaknesses. The sanguine, choleric and phlegmatic temperaments are much more confident and are not so affected by other people’s opinions.[i]
[i] LaHaye, Tim. How To Win Over Depression. Zondervan Publishing House.
So What is the Cure
In a word, “GRACE”. Acknowledge that you are acceptable to God only through “grace”. In the New Testament the word “grace”, means, “freely given, undeserved, unmerited, unearnable, and unrepayable favor”. God’s loving acceptance of us has nothing to do with our worthiness.
Christian perfection does not begin with some initial experience of grace in salvation or sanctification, and then move into a life lived by effort and perfect performance. [Are you so foolish, after beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Gal.3:3] The healing of perfectionism takes place in day-by-day believing, living, and realizing this “grace relationship”, with a loving, caring heavenly Father.
Sometimes the healing from perfectionism cannot take place by itself. The realization of “grace” cannot be maintained in some people without an inner healing of the past. God’s care cannot be felt without a deep, inner reprogramming of all the bad conditioning that has been put into them by parents, family, teachers, preachers, and the church.
These perfectionists have been programmed to unrealistic expectations, impossible performance, conditional love, and a subtle theology of works. They can’t get rid of this pattern overnight. The change requires unconditional love, patience, time, process, understanding, healing, and above all, reprogramming—the renewal of the mind that brings transformation.[i] [Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2]
Just say “no” to perfectionism. Start by admitting that you cannot manage your perfectionism alone. You cannot pull yourself out of this compulsive behavior. Recognize that God can help you overcome perfectionism. God is able to do what you cannot. Decide to surrender your perfectionism to God. Allow Him to bring healing into your life. Acknowledge that when you are weak and you admit your weakness, God’s power is activated in your life.[ii] [My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. 2Corinthians 12:9]
Recognize Satan’s lies and replace them with truth. Confess your unbelief to God. Ask your heavenly Father to help you learn the truth about your yourself. Study scripture verses on God’s love for you. 
[Zephaniah 3:17,18; Jeremiah 31:3,4; Romans 8:38,39]
To escape the performance trap, study verses on “justification”. “Justified” -means to be placed in right standing before God through Christ’s death on the cross. God transfers all our sin to the sinless Christ and erases it completely from us, just as though we had never sinned. Then He credits Christ’s righteousness to us. Because of justification you are completely forgiven by God and are fully pleasing to Him. Justification carries with it no guilt. By dying on the cross, Christ paid for all our sins–past, present, and future. God forgives us completely! Therefore there is no need to fear failure. [Romans 5:1; Hebrews 10:17]
The approval-addict should study verses on reconciliation. Because of reconciliation I am totally accepted by God. “Reconciliation” -means to restore to friendship or harmony. Those who were enemies have become friends. God’s solution to the fear of rejection is based on Christ’s sacrificial payment for our sins. Through this payment we find forgiveness, reconciliation, and total acceptance through Christ. [Colossians 2:13,14,16; Colossians 1:21,22]
To quench the critical spirit, study verses on propitiation. “Propitiation” -means that the anger of someone who has been wronged unjustly has been satisfied. Because Christ paid for my sin through His death on the cross, God’s anger was satisfied, and God’s mercy was granted to me. I am deeply loved by God. I no longer have to fear punishment or punish others. [Romans 5:6,8,9]
The quitter should study verses on regeneration. “Regeneration” -is the renewing work of the Holy Spirit that literally makes each believer experience a new birth the moment he trusts Christ. Because of regeneration I have been made brand-new, complete in Christ. I no longer need to experience the pain of shame.
[2Corinthians 5:17; Ephesians 4:22,23,24]
Memorize your identity in Christ. Write it out on an index card and carry it with you. Read it several times per day for the next month.
Because of Christ and His redemption, I am a new creation of infinite worth. I am deeply loved. I am completely forgiven. I am fully pleasing to God. I am totally accepted by God. I am absolutely complete in Christ.[iii]
[Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:1] [But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death, to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation. Col. 1:22] (side-two)
We have studied the differences between perfectionism and Christian perfection and have concluded that perfectionism is nothing more than a tool used by Satan to stifle the growth and effectiveness of the Christian. Christian perfection is commitment to excellence in our daily walk. As we fellowship with Christ, we are slowly transformed into His likeness so that His character is reflected in every area of our lives. [And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2Corinthians 3:18]
In this post we have discussed the cost of Perfectionism, The development of Perfectionism, and the cure for perfectionism. In the next post we will discuss What Perfectionism is, Perfectionism versus Excellence, and the symptoms of perfectionism.
Resources
[1] Seamands, David A. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Victor Books.
[1] Sledge, Tim. Making Peace with Your Past. LifeWay Press.
[1] Leman, Kevin Dr. The Birth Order Book. Dell Publishing.
[1] Seamands, David A. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Victor Books.
[1] Sledge, Tim. Making Peace with Your Past. LifeWay Press.
[1] McGee, Robert S. The Search For Significance. Word Publishing.
[1] Sledge, Tim. Making Peace with Your Past. LifeWay Press.
[1] LaHaye, Tim. How To Win Over Depression. Zondervan Publishing House.
[1] Seamands, David A. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Victor Books.
[1] Sledge, Tim. Making Peace with Your Past. LifeWay Press.
[1] McGee, Robert S. Search For Significance. Life Support Edition. LifeWay Press.
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