Perfectionism, The Christian’s Deadly Enemy

There are many obvious characteristics of perfectionism.  The following is a description of eight of the most common symptoms displayed by perfectionists.

1. Oppression of the Oughts: The perfectionist’s major characteristic is a constant, overall feeling of never doing well enough or being good enough.  This feeling permeates all of life, but especially affects our spiritual lives.  “I ought to do better, I ought to have done better, I ought to be able to do better.”  The three favorite phrases of the perfectionist are; “could have”, should have, would have”. [i]

2. Self-depreciation: The connection between perfectionism and low self-esteem is obvious.  If you are never quite good enough, you feel a continuous sense of self-depreciation.  If you are never quite satisfied with yourself and your achievements, then, worst of all, you really can’t fully believe that God is pleased with you either.  He’s always saying, “Come on now, you can do better than that!”  So you try harder, mercilessly driving yourself to do better, all the while badgering yourself with negative criticism and insults.

3. Anxiety: The oughts and self-depreciation produce an over-sensitive conscience under a cloud of guilt, anxiety, and condemnation.  Once in awhile it lifts and the sun shines through, particularly during retreats, or when you “make a deeper surrender”.  But the feeling of inner peace is short lived and the general sense of God’s disapproval, and condemnation return, accusing and taunting at your wounded soul.

4. Legalism: The oversensitive conscience and guilt of the perfectionist are usually accompanied by a harsh legalism, which rigidly over-emphasizes externals, dos and don’ts, rules and regulations.  The legalist is more interested in keeping every letter of the law than she is in building relationships that require love.  The perfectionist with her fragile conscience, low self-esteem, and built-in sense of guilt is very sensitive to what other people think about her.  Since she cannot accept herself, and is quite sure of God’s disapproval, she desperately needs the approval of other people.  Consequently, she is at the mercy of the opinions and evaluations of other Christians.   An omission of praise is considered by the perfectionist as failure or rejection.  A word of advice is translated as criticism.  Yet, in a strange contradiction, she critically judges, blames, and binds peers.

5. Anger: She may not realize it, but deep in her heart a kind of anger is brewing.  A resentment against the oughts, against the Christian faith, against other Christians, against herself, but saddest of all, against God.  Not that it’s really against the true God.  The perfectionist is not against the loving God who sacrificed His own Son to pay the death penalty for our sins.  Her resentment is against a counterfeit god who is never quite satisfied.  A god whom she can never please no matter how hard she tries, no matter what she gives up or holds on to.  This cruel god always ups the quota, always demands a bit more and says; “You’re not measuring up.”

6. Denial: Too often the anger is not acknowledged, but denied.  Because anger is considered a terrible sin, it is pushed down and buried beneath other emotions.  This is when deep emotional problems set in.  Mood changes are so extreme that such a person seems to be two different people at the same time.  Under the stress and the strain of trying to live with a self she can’t like, a God she can’t love, and other people she can’t appease, the strain can become too much.  Eventually the perfectionist may break away from her church and walk away from everything that demands so much of her life.   She believes with her head, but as hard as she tries, she just can’t believe with her heart.

 Other perfectionists may suffer a breakdown.  They continually force themselves beyond their physical limits, hoping that their gnawing guilt and shame will dissipate.  They strive constantly to entice God and others to finally notice their efforts and give them the acceptance they so desperately crave.  The load is too heavy to bear, and they break under the weight.

 7. Procrastination: The partner of perfectionism is procrastination.  The perfectionist thinks:  “When I do this job, I am going to do it perfectly.  At the moment I don’t feel like doing it perfectly, so I am going to do it later.”  The perfectionist puts it off.  When she does the job, she will do it perfectly, but for now she is not up to such a challenging task.   The perfectionist has two choices: the pain of perfectionist expectations as she works on the task or the pain of guilt for not working on the project.[ii]  Either way, the life of the perfectionist is one of pain.         

8. Enslaved to Satan’s Lies:  Four false beliefs resulting from Satan’s deceptions are described in, “The Search For Significance”, by author Robert S. McGee.

“I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.” The performance trap produces a fear of failure, causing the perfectionist to be driven to succeed, even manipulating and intimidating others in order to achieve success.  Anything less than perfect is considered a failure, so they are always standing on tiptoe, always reaching, stretching, straining, but never quite making it.

“I must be approved and accepted by certain others to feel good about myself.” The approval-addict lives with a fear of rejection, attempting to please others at any cost.  They are overly sensitive to criticism, going as far as lying to avoid disapproval.  These people may build emotional walls to protect themselves, or lean to the other extreme in clinging to certain individuals in an attempt to feel loved.

“Those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve punishment.” In the blame game, these legalistic critical spirits blame others for personal failure because they fear punishment.  These guilt-ridden people are often harsh in judging other people’s sins.  They avoid close fellowship with God and others as they struggle with feelings of guilt and shame.

“I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless.” The quitter is a discouraged perfectionist, burdened with shame, hopelessness, and feelings of inferiority.  Discouraged perfectionists have a difficult time in finding their niche in ministry.  They seek isolation through emotional withdrawal from others.[iii]

In this post we have discussed What Perfectionism is, Perfectionism versus Excellence, and the symptoms of perfectionism. In the following post we will examine the cost, the development and the cure for perfectionism. 

Resources

[1] Seamands, David A.   Healing for Damaged Emotions.   Victor Books.

[1] Sledge, Tim.   Making Peace with Your Past.   LifeWay Press.

[1] Leman, Kevin Dr.   The Birth Order Book.   Dell Publishing.

[1] Seamands, David A.   Healing for Damaged Emotions.  Victor Books.

[1] Sledge, Tim.   Making Peace with Your Past.   LifeWay Press.

[1] McGee, Robert S.   The Search For Significance.   Word Publishing.

[1] Sledge, Tim.   Making Peace with Your Past.    LifeWay Press.

[1] LaHaye, Tim.   How To Win Over Depression.   Zondervan Publishing House.

[1] Seamands, David A.   Healing for Damaged Emotions.   Victor Books.

[1] Sledge, Tim.   Making Peace with Your Past.   LifeWay Press.

[1] McGee, Robert S.   Search For Significance.   Life Support Edition.  LifeWay Press.