Restoring Harmony in the Marriage Relationship

March 30, 2024

Restoring Harmony in the Marriage Relationship

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All newly married couples hope that harmony in the marriage relationship will last a lifetime, but for every mature relationship, there has been a journey. Any happily married couple of over forty years will tell you there have been ups and downs, romantic seasons, and dry spells, joys and sorrows, tranquility, and hardships. Many will share times when they seriously thought they wouldn’t make it. But throwing in the towel was out of the question, they had promised the rest of their lives to each other. In various ways, these couples sought out help in healing their hurting marriage.

Acknowledging the Problem

Before a couple can begin restoring Harmony in the Marriage relationship, they must come to the place where they are willing to admit there is a problem. Just saying, “sorry” or picking up where they left off as though nothing happened is not going to resolve the situation. When your hurt feelings have not been aired, the emotions get buried and fester until the next spat.

Refusing to discuss an argument and choosing to ignore the damage done, is just throwing the situation under the rug. The problem with that is, that there ends up being so much junk under the rug that you eventually trip over it and fall on your face. By this time, you are about ready to call it quits.

Both partners need to gather the courage to step out of denial and acknowledge the serious problem and seek help in healing your hurting marriage. If you are associated with a church, you might consider talking to your pastor about your situation. If you are not connected to a local fellowship you could go online and look up churches in your area and find one that meets your needs. They should be able to direct you to a local marriage counselor.

Take Ownership

When restoring harmony in the marriage relationship the first thing couples tend to do when their marriage deteriorates is to criticize the other partner. However, blaming each other only adds more pain to distress and broadens the divide. Truth be told, each partner has contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. The failure of a marriage is never 100% one person’s doing. Even if you think it is a 60/40% split or even an 80/20% split, you can still take ownership of your contribution to the problem.

What you need to do is to turn your attention inward when restoring harmony in the Marriage relationship. Each partner has brought their own baggage into the marriage. Emotional scars cause the honeymoon couple to remove their rose-colored glasses and replace them with shades of gray. Every word and action will be judged through their previous experiences and the amount of emotional pain they carry within them. Ask God to show you where you have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship.

Self-examination in the marriage relationship

When your partner responds to you, in the same way as someone who hurt you when you were a child, old feelings come to the surface. Emotional scars affect your relationship in how they cause you to feel excessive emotions. Feelings of anger, fear, rejection, or hurt from childhood trauma will amplify your reactions.

A present situation may be innocent, but you respond with emotion from a previous experience. In other words, you look at present circumstances through the dark glasses of a previous incident. As a result, intense emotions will constantly be triggered by present situations that parallel the old wound. This results in flashbacks to the original emotional scars.

If your wife asks you, “Did you take the garbage out”, you may respond defensively if this was a question often asked of you in a negative tone as a child. For instance, “Did you take the garbage out? How many times do I have to tell you to put the garbage out before you watch TV?”

Now your wife may not have meant any harm. She may have just wanted to nudge your memory because she doesn’t want to miss the truck. But you immediately feel like a child being scolded for not doing your chores. These kinds of situations happen repeatedly in a marriage where old emotional scars are being triggered, resulting in excessive motions coming to the surface. Self-examination will help you separate your past from the present and enable you to identify old emotions moving forward.

Harmony Through Introspection

Temperament types, opposites tend to annoy each other in their opposite strengths and weaknesses. Both partners can’t understand why the other won’t do things the way they do. It is obvious to them that their system is better.

Subconsciously, tensions are amplified when your marriage partner has the same temperament type as someone who has hurt you in your childhood years. Through introspection, you can learn what is setting you off. When your emotions become intense ask yourself, “Why am I so upset?” “Why does this situation make me so angry?” Am I responding to this present situation or am I being triggered by emotions from a childhood wound?” “What does this feeling or interaction remind me of?”

Make the time to journal your responses to your partner to see if there is a pattern. Invite God into your exploration to help you discover what it is in you that is causing these excessive reactions. When you are ready and willing to deal with past emotional wounds your memories and childhood emotions will begin to resurface.

When healing through introspection, don’t be alarmed if your mental stability appears to be getting more fragile. You are healing old wounds. Emotions will become more intense as you examine your memories, but as you allow yourself to feel your childhood emotions, you will gradually begin to feel better and you will experience fewer triggers. If you have many painful memories to process, of if your wound is catastrophic, it would be wise to find a friend or counselor who would be willing to walk through your journey with you.

Share Your Journey with each other

Invite you, partner, to work on his or her emotional healing in a similar method. In this way, you will learn to help each other recognize triggers and excessive responses. You can support each other knowing that the pain you are feeling is coming from previous experiences and not from each other. You can acknowledge that you are not each other’s enemy.

Discuss what you are learning about yourself and how you are being triggered. Share sections from your journal that will help your partner understand where you are coming from. When you have received encouragement from blogs, books or Scripture be sure to use your insights to help your partner further his or her journey.

HEAL THROUGH OPEN, AND HONEST COMMUNICATION

Help in healing the hurting marriage also involves both partners asking themselves some tough questions. When was our last date-night? When was our last conversation that didn’t revolve around our children? When was the last time we enjoyed being together? How long has it been since we went out of our way to do something nice for each other? When did we stop being a couple and just started going through the motions of living together?

When restoring harmony in the marriage relationship discuss what it is you each need for your relationship to be better. Be open and honest with each other, be transparent. Use words such as “I feel” that reflect your feelings about a situation rather than “you didn’t,” accusing the other partner. Ask questions to clarify what each of you means so that there are no misunderstandings.

Restoration through Listening

In one of the Family Circus cartoon strips, the little girl looks up at her father, who is reading the newspaper, and says: “Daddy, you have to listen to me with your eyes as well as your ears.”

Many marriages are familiar with the scene of trying to have a conversation while the other partner is distracted by their cell phone. It is visibly apparent that he or she is not really listening. Learn to be a participating listener through being interested, attentive, and responsive.

Put aside all distractions.
Maintain eye contact to show that you are really with your partner.
Nod your head to affirm that you agree and are supportive.
Show facial expressions that indicate how the information is being received.
Change your body position when necessary to stay focused.
Listen patiently, allowing your partner time to find the right words to express his or her thoughts.
Don’t interrupt, you will get your turn to respond.
Ask open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no answer to gather more information and understanding.
Watch for nonverbal communication to understand what he or she is not saying.
Repeat back in your own words what you have heard.

These simple strategies will enable even the poorest listener to adopt effective listening skills.

Restoration Through Prayer

Help in healing your hurting marriage begins with inviting God into your relationship. Start praying for each other’s needs and for the healing of emotional wounds. Be specific, using words, concerns, and expressions which have just been shared. Pray together about your relationship. Be sure to pray about specific situations that have been mentioned. This will assure that he or she has been heard and that you really do care about the feelings surrounding the concerns that have been shared.

Pray individually, daily for your partner and each struggle he or she is dealing with. Make prayer time your top priority. When you each invite God into your relationship you will become stronger both as individuals as well as a couple. Scripture promises– A threefold cord is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

HEALING THROUGH QUALITY TIME

Establish a date night and do something fun without the children. Revisit places and memories of your early days when you were getting to know each other. Look through old photos of your budding romance. Recall your favorite songs and sing them together. Run errands or offer help to each other to free up some alone time without being asked.

Buy little gifts to show you are thinking of your husband or wife throughout your day. Affirm your partner’s value with words of encouragement. Think of ways to say I appreciate you and your contribution to my life. Show frequent affection without sexual agendas to assure that you are more interested in the harmony of the marriage relationship than receiving benefits.

Help for the hurting marriage comes in many forms. Take the initiative, be creative, and make the first move. Don’t waste precious time and energy fighting against your differences. Step up to the plate, take responsibility for your part, and do what you can to control your reactions. Work on changing yourself, and let God deal with your partner.

Given the opportunity, God has been known to do miraculous interventions in restoring a dying relationship. Divorce was never God’s idea. He doesn’t throw away the broken, He remakes it. The second version of your marriage will be humbler, stronger, others focused, and committed. Lay all your shattered dreams in your Creator’s hands and see what happens.

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